Positive Discipline

POSITIVE DISCIPLINE

Introduction

    The ideas to be presented in this article are from a program called Systematic Training for Effective Parenting (STEP) by Don Dinkmeyer, Sr., Gary D. McKay, and Don Dinkmeyer, Jr.. STEP is based on the premises that we learn best from own experiences and all behavior occurs for a social purpose. We each want to control our own situations and make decisions that affect our lives. We make those decisions and watch for changes in the environment or changes in people around us to determine the effectiveness of our decisions. Children also learn behavior or misbehavior in this manner.

    Discipline is teaching. And what do we teach children when we focus on good versus bad or when we focus on rewards versus punishment? We teach children that external judgements of behavior are more important than internal feelings of accomplishment. We also teach them that behavior is good or bad with little recognition for effort at a task.

    Although it is often easier to use a system of rewards and punishments, the use of positive discipline is more far-reaching and generalizes much easier to decisions in life. It is a partnership for learning that occurs between the parent and the child. It teaches children how to make decisions based on their own experiences and to utilize an internal system of reinforcement to weigh the values of the decisions that they have made. This manner of discipline is equally as important for parents, as it reduces stress associated with assuming responsibility for a child's behavior or misbehavior and stress associated with negative discipline techniques, such as spanking, yelling, or other types of punishment.

Understanding Children’s Behavior and Misbehavior

Encouragement

    The next positive technique to be used is ENCOURAGEMENT. Encouragement assists the child with confidence in his or her decisions and increases positive feelings of self worth.

    In encouraging children to accept responsibilities, we must also express confidence in their ability to make decisions. We can focus on the child’s strengths and assets with comments such as, "You handled that situation really well," or "I know you can make the right decision."

    An excellent way to encourage a child and increase a positive self-concept is to give a child responsibilities. Young children love to help but we often find it easier to do it ourselves. For example, the four year old who wants to help wash the dishes may create a situation in which more water is on the floor than in the sink. By not allowing that assistance, we communicate that their help is not appreciated and that they obviously cannot do the task to our satisfaction. By giving the child the opportunity to assist us, we communicate that we value their assistance and the situation becomes one of learning to do a task with progressively more expertise.

    Fortunately, the concept of encouragement is not based on a value judgement of good versus bad. In the situation with the four year old, we may not be able to say, "You did a great job washing dishes!" The typical four year old would recognize that their performance was not necessarily "great," especially in comparison with an older brother or sister. It is at this time when we need to recognize effort and improvement by communicating something like, "It’s really nice to have you helping in the kitchen."

    An additional assistance in building a system of internal reinforcement is to encourage children to focus on their own feelings and not depend on our determination of good versus bad. For example, the child who frequently brings artwork or schoolwork for our appraisal may benefit more from hearing, "It looks like you’re really proud of your schoolwork!" Or comments which focus on the actual task (e.g., "You got sixteen right this time!") rather than a value judgement (e.g., "That’s super!") or focusing on the negative (e.g., "You only missed two spelling words!"). This technique is equally helpful with the young child who has brought a piece of artwork for our critique. If we try to interpret the structures in the picture (e.g., "You drew a tree!"), we may "crush" the child who had attempted to draw a green lollipop with a stick. By commenting on the colors or shapes, we express interest in the child’s work and open the lines of communication for the child to expound on his/her creation.

    Techniques of encouragement often involve communicating effectively with the child. This is especially important in dealing with misbehaviors. At these times, we should "separate the deed from the doer," communicating that we like and accept the child but do not like or accept the misbehavior. For example, comments of "bad boy" place value judgement on the individual insinuating that the person is unworthy of our love or affection. By dealing with the behavior only, we communicate that the person is acceptable but the behavior must change.

Communication - How to Listen Effectively

    By utilizing the technique of REFLECTIVE LISTENING, the adult can reflect the child’s feeling back to him or her, and clarify what they may be feeling. In order to construct reflective listening responses, it is necessary to ask, "What is the child feeling?" and to describe the emotion to the child.

    PROBLEM SOLVING is another important aspect of communication with young children. By showing concern for the child, he/she learns that the adult cares about what is happening to him/her. Several techniques may be utilized in exploring alternatives. First, utilize reflective listening to clarify the feelings to the child. Secondly, brainstorm solutions with the child. Thirdly, assist the child to select a solution. Ask him or her, which approach will work best. Fourth, discuss the probable results with the child. Ask him, "What will happen if you take this approach?". Obtain a commitment from the child; "When are you going to do this?" Lastly, plan a time for evaluating the results. Have the child decide how long he or she will follow through with the solution.

    PROBLEM OWNERSHIP has a direct link to effective communication. If the child is satisfying his or her own needs but interfering with the adult’s needs, a problem exists for the adults. An effective communication technique to deal with this problem is the I Message. Ask yourself, how does the behavior make you feel. Describe the behavior to the child, state your feelings about the behavior and state the consequences. In doing so, you have created an I Message. For example, "When you don’t call, I worry that something might have happened to you because I don’t know where you are." By subtle changes in our communication techniques with children, we can enhance our relationship with them.

Natural and Logical Consequences

    The use of NATURAL AND LOGICAL CONSEQUENCES allows the child to learn about his/her behavior from the natural or social order of events. Natural consequences are those which occur without any intervention by another person. For example, a child who refuses to eat will experience the natural consequence of hunger. The child who refuses to wear mittens will experience the natural consequence of feeling cold hands. Logical consequences are those in which the child sees the consequence as being logically related to their behavior. For example, the child who refuses to wash their hands prior to dinner may not receive dinner if that is a family rule. The older child who begins wetting themselves because they become too involved in playing may be asked to wear a diaper in extreme situations with the explanation that the diaper will protect their clothes and surroundings until they learn to control the wettings.

    The use of natural and logical consequences encourages the child to make responsible decisions about their own behavior. Additionally, this technique reduces pressure for parents by allowing the parent to decide what situations require their intervention and what situations will remediate themselves without intervention.

    In utilizing this technique, a parent may occasionally need to assist the child with recognizing the choices within a situation. For example, the child who is playing noisily in a room where parents are reading may be the given choice, "You can sit quietly and read with me or you can go to your room and play." In contrast, a negative manner of phrasing this same choice would be, "If you don’t settle down, you will have to go to your room!" The positive method of phrasing this choice indicates to the child that the choices are logically related to the misbehavior and that the child is responsible for making the choice. For the children who continue to make loud noises after being presented that choice, the parent could say, "I see that you’ve chosen to go to your room." And perhaps calmly usher the children to their room if they do not go on their own. It is equally important in these situations to indicate to the child that they will again have the opportunity to make a similar choice at a later time by adding, "We’ll try again later." In this way, the child understands that they have control over their own behavior and should remember the experience to utilize what they have learned at a later time.

Other Techniques

    In addition to the previously-mentioned STEP techniques, it is often necessary to isolate a child when he or she is hurting another individual. For example, a young child hits a sibling and continues to do so after being warned about the consequences of his behavior. He may need to be isolated at this time or take "time out" from the environment.

    A token economy in which the child is paid for appropriate behavior is sometimes utilized, as well. The child may be given ten tokens initially and those tokens removed for misbehavior or he may earn tokens for so many minutes of appropriate behavior. The child is then able to purchase rewards or prizes if he has enough tokens.

    It is important for each and every family to manage behavior in a style with which they are comfortable. Misbehavior is a result of time; the child has learned that which is effective within his or her environment. Changing inappropriate behavior will also take time. It is important to determine those behaviors which are not acceptable. From there, choose one behavior which you would like to concentrate on. Once that problem has been solved, attend to another behavior. Behavior change occurs one step at a time.

STEP materials are available through American Guidance Service, Inc. 1-800-328-2560. STEP Classes are taught at the offices of Parent-Child Services Group, Inc., 1225 Weisgarber Road, Suite 180 South, Knoxville, TN. The classes are held once weekly for seven weeks for an hour and a half per class. A STEP manual is provided for each class participant. Call 584-5558 for more information.

© Parent-Child Services Group, Inc.
Permission to copy for educational purposes only

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